I was watching Ayn Rands interview. The core of Rand’s philosophy, which also constitutes the overarching theme of her novels, is that unfettered self-interest is good and altruism is destructive. This, she believed, is the ultimate expression of human nature, humans are born as tabula rasa, a blank slate, (as many of her time believed) and promises a better world if people are simply allowed to pursue their own self-interest without regard to the impact of their actions on others. After all, others are simply pursuing their own self-interest as well.

It contradicts our up bringing especially the Indian value system of putting others before self and the sacrifice leading to good karma. Today, however, I find some wisdom in what she says.

Our persona is defined not by ourselves, our own self worth but by other’s view of us. All my life I have lived by default through other’s expectations. Trying to fill shoes other than mine. In a Bengali family I tried to blend in with them. Inter-caste marriages even in a modern world are not easy to sustain. There are social customs, prejudices causing conflict, apprehensions and misunderstandings. Unable to view them through the correct lens, confused one  muddles the situation further.

Sink or swim, a precarious situation in which it is not easy to be unaffected. I was not only confused but also unhappy and no amount of frivolity masked my negativity. It slipped through vulnerable cracks as a hyper-tense person, talking too much, overreacting, overbearing, trying to get a foot in sideways in all conversations and in all ways to establish a better self, ending up making it worse. Often belittled, deliberate or not and the foremost thought  was to not let others perceive me as a  meek inconsequential person but to assert my intelligence and not quite trivial opinions and world views. I became an impossible person!

The othering process is rampant as people judge, stigmatise and write you off as not conforming to the so called right way. Is there a right way? Can there be a right way? Are not perceptions many shades of grey. No one is ever fully right. Confused as I was, over conscious of the gauche social persona, walking on eggshells I internalised the criticisms and tried to acknowledge the wrongness of my actions. My effort was to better myself. Better than what, is what I never stopped to think and spiralled into a self derogatory space. Was I  really wholly wrong or sinful as I was made to feel?

I was gas lit for sure. Made to believe that I had to change as per norms set out. The rightest way. With no scope for errors. To be accepted valued and loved. Alas, I lost myself in this tussle. I do have a perception of right or wrong maybe slightly different. Why should I allow myself to be belittled, dismissed as such. Do what is right unto me as long as what I do is not a grievous sin. There are others who accept me with flaws and gently remind of the possible  folly of talking too much, introspect and decide,  not proclaiming it as a worldly error of commission, as unacceptable!

Is anyone perfect? Have the naysayers stopped to think of their own shortcomings. No. Not really. After reckoning with this acute self-loathing due to the world view of me, I have decided to never judge others  and love myself more. To be more accepting of myself. I think the lessening of the turmoil and conflict due to the outside world view of me is calming me.

I found myself agreeing with Ayn Rand and her notion of self-interest. If I loved myself more I wouldn’t have allowed others to gaslight me, convince me of my ostensible wrongdoings. The gaslighters are arrogant enough to assume their supreme moral worth.  Self interest, I guess! But then not allowing them to run me down gives me an equal footing to assert myself too. Objectively let the world decide what they wish to see or believe. Right or wrong!

A vicious circle of self doubt. Again? Self doubt makes living unbearable. Shun it and others who force you into a regressive hole to suit themselves or feather their egos perchance. Let it be an equal world!