I am 64. I am told that people don’t like me. I am, rather I was brash, outspoken, maybe insensitive at times, talked way too much and was sometimes wrong. A defective personality of sorts as someone said of me. I think I have improved.
I have been introspecting and at a later age trying to figure out a benign likeable persona for myself. True, but likeable by who and what are the norms. Are there universal benchmarks for decent behavior? I grew up with a father who encouraged us to speak our minds, fight our battles and find our way. As a family we all had loud voices and even the kindest comments seemed like a shout. I have always spoken up against what I perceived was wrong. But then I accept the fact that I too am judging.
Over time personality aberrations accrued due to many factors, I would say most of mine can be attributed to low self esteem. Me? With a slew of very important degrees and achievements, low self esteem? Self esteem I realize is dependent solely on how people react to your mannerisms and how you perceive those. What are your hidden desires and if you feel you have failed them or someone.
I was married into a Bonedi Bengali family and I discovered that they can be conservative, differently from North Indians. An inter community marriage is not easy, especially with the nitty gritties of life and my being a vegetarian and having a strong mind of my own was a deterrent in harmony and a happily ever after life. One thing led to another and some years into my marriage I was a basket of nerves, a freaky human, hypertense and uptight. An absolute NO for happy get togethers. I was shunned. The world frowns on these and unless you add joy to an encounter you are put aside.
Due to many reasons, of unfair community comparisons and playful jibes, I succumbed to believing them to be true. My personality became dodgy and unsure, fumbling. I became socially gauche, arguing unnecessarily to prove myself correct, saying the wrong things at the wrong place, quarreling. I gained a reputation of being an unsavoury person and I am not really sure of who said what about me but I acquired a reputation for sure.
I moved out and lived on my own for a few years. I realized that people shy away from taking sides especially as I was perceived as the aggressor. I was shunned, as my story seemed flawed. Cornered and alone some people came forward to hold my hand and I value them with my being. Despite adverse opinions they chose to believe in me. I started out with being alone but I survived.
Over time I have realized that no one loves you unconditionally. Close friends, acquaintances, family expect you to conform. It is easy to advise and pontificate but quite difficult for a person on the backfoot to adopt and change. It seems so easy for others to say you should or should not do this. It’s the right way. The troubled mindset needs a context. I was struggling with my demons arguing in my head and voila despite my best intentions, I put my foot where it did not belong. Often!
I know I was and am right on various issues but sugar coating and diplomacy was never my strong suit. Keeping quiet for a chatterbox seemed the remotest option. No one is perfect, there is a mix of good and bad, acceptable and not. It is so easy to judge and compartmentalize a human being in black and white. All actions get tarred by the judgement brush and interactions are laced with this overlay of unilateral opinions, or ganging up which can be further detrimental as it was for me. I was walking on eggshells with some persons critical of my demeanour and this tough task often spiraled into a fiasco. I was never myself. Scared of consequences, negativity, of a “oh you are a weird sociopath” vibe.
It should be ignored but then again esteem issues force you to wonder what if they are right and I am not. Deprecation, openly in gatherings and indirect jibes add to this cauldron of negativity. You see it coming but the slush trips you uncompromisingly. Your self worth spirals lower. And the behavior becomes weirder. It is a never ending loop unless you decisively break the link.
The only solution is to believe in oneself, hold a mirror to ones conscience to truly judge right or wrong, respect and love oneself not impinged by the world view of your malafide intent. One may have to walk on and leave people and baggage behind. If people don’t respect you for what you are, Are they worth it, however long the association. There can be no emotional schmaltz. For yourself! If they don’t love you, you cant hate yourself and that is definite.
Somewhere I have found the courage. Some really close friends and family have helped me to take a step back, to see objectively connections and disregard the “gupshup”. They have stressed the importance of making some minor changes. Talk less, be positive, happy and to not let others take centre stage in “your” life. It’s been a long trek like the monkey in the well – up three, down two. I think I see some light finally.
I am learning to objectively look at myself, to improve, look ahead and move on. People judge and judge. They may think you are wrong or maybe too right. They slander or maybe envy and slander. The rat race to prove one’s worth with worldly accomplishments should end.
It’s about peace with one’s existence. It’s not being arrogant but if people are seriously and constantly undermining you even on your face should we allow it to happen. To use their touchstone to judge our own selves. Surely not.
The major lesson is never judge, be kind to yourself and others, always think of the context. Speak your mind and oppose with gentleness. Remedies may seem easy but there are stumbling blocks, obstacles within, which are difficult to let go of. There is a good person in everyone. And we should believe that as a fact.